Depth of Impact
by mirenne
Summary: "The man he was becoming won't survive the coming scenario intact."  Neal once told Peter that he'd never hit rock bottom.  Now the ground's rushing to meet him and the impact seems all but inevitable.  A missing scene from "Countdown" in two chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Author: mirenne

Title: Depth of Impact

Disclaimer: White Collar is owned by USA Network and Jeff Eastin. Dialogue is referenced from episodes as noted at the end of the story.

Summary: A missing scene in two chapters. Set at the end of Countdown after Neal makes his decision to stay and Mozzie leaves. Spoilers for much of Season 3.

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After Mozzie closes the door to his apartment, ostensibly for the last time, Neal drops heavily onto one of the kitchen chairs as his friend's parting words ring in his ears: "Stockholm Syndrome," "on a leash," "fooling yourself if you think this is who you really are."

Neal begs to differ about the first comment- strongly. His relationships with Peter, El and the others are real, not part of a pathology. As to Mozzie's other statements….well…time would tell. The opportunity to cut the tracker and run will always be available to Neal. He already knows how he would manage it. He'd need a few burner IDs and an opportunity for a head start; then Neal Caffrey would simply disappear and Victor Moreau would suddenly become far more interesting than his paperwork would suggest.

A small discordant part of him longs for that escape. But then Manhattan would be no more than a distant dream. A forbidden island on the map marked "Here there be dragons- and one supremely pissed off FBI agent."

Who was it that said you can never come home again? Mozzie would know.

Neal sighs, picks up his wine glass and samples the Bordeaux. He downs his glass quickly and then reaches for his friends' as he begins to consider the ramifications of the strange new identity he has finally chosen to assume: his own.

He doesn't feel particularly different; it's too soon. And yet…he does.

Deep inside something has released; a part of him has stopped fighting, stopped pushing against the boundaries, and come to rest. For the first time in his adult life, he won't be looking over his shoulder or have one foot half out the door. There won't be an angle to play or a new identity to assume- unless it's been provided by the FBI, of course.

He leans back into his chair and drains Mozzie's glass to the dregs. Now that the treasure is gone and the choice has been made, he can admit to himself what a heavy burden he's borne over the past few months. Lying to Mozzie, deceiving Peter, dealing with his own demons and insecurities- all of it has left him enervated and exhausted.

He'd once told Peter that he'd never lied to him directly, however… Suffice it to say that standing on a record of half-truths with the man who'd risked his life and career for you many times over was nothing to be proud of either. Especially since he knew that all of his deceptions would, as Keller had so succinctly put it, "break his heart."

Neal doesn't care to follow this thought any further, so he stands quickly, shaking it off, putting the mask back into place though no one is there to observe him. He jams the cork into the bottle, checks to see that it's well seated, and walks to his kitchen counter. If all went well, Mozzie would be gone in twenty-four hours, tops. When Peter got around to asking where he was, Neal would spin one last plausibly deniable story and the need for half-truths would be done.

He sets the bottle at the front of his wine collection. No need to hide the good stuff anymore.

A slight burning sensation makes Neal aware that he's just bolted two glasses on a very empty stomach. He opens the pantry, idly searching for dinner ingredients. Chances are that when he walks into work tomorrow, no one will see any sign of the momentous change in Neal Caffrey. And indeed, he himself hardly knows what to expect; after all, he's never before given away a half billion dollars in order to purchase…what? A fresh start? A chance to stop running and build relationships, then find love and a white picket fence?

Maybe.

He thinks of the $100 Treasury plate concealed in a table a few rooms away and knows that June's husband would understand.

Neal wonders, does this mean he's rehabilitated too? He finds the thought wildly amusing, considering that just a few hours ago, he was performing acts more appropriate to the other "R" word: recidivism.

He smiles, a wicked, top of the world glimmer in his eyes. If today was his last job, damn, what a way to go out! Throwing your hat off a forty three story building and then jumping after it holding a long lost Degas and hoping you packed your parachute right.

As last scores went, it was the stuff of legend. Too bad no one but he and Moz will ever know.

Neal finds that he is laughing as he closes the pantry door. The shelves are down to odds and ends, and the refrigerator is no better. He hasn't bothered to stock up on groceries this week, not knowing if he would be around to finish them. Time to grab some take out and stop at the market before it closed.

As he grabs his coat, he pauses for a moment. Perhaps he'll call Sara in a few days, once Moz has had a chance to make his escape, and tell her that he's decided to pull his head out of the clouds and enjoy the view at ground level instead. After all, wasn't seeking forgiveness somewhere on the twelve step program?

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A/N:

1. **Please, please, take the time to review.** I can't tell you how much feedback means to me, or how often ridiculously often I check to see if anyone's reviewed.

2. Chapter 2 to follow in a day or so.

3. Mozzie's dialogue comes from the episode "Countdown." Keller's dialogue is from "On the Fence."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

When his cell rings, Neal is walking home from the corner grocery, two plastic bags swinging from each hand. He fumbles awkwardly for his phone, sees with some surprise that it's Jones, and thumbs the connect button, "Hello?" As soon as the call is opened, the agent begins to speak, his voice ringing taut and urgent through the receiver as he delivers the situation report. Neal stops in his tracks, letting the words roll over him like a tidal wave. _Keller….El…kidnapping…alive…demands…_ And just like that, the ground is swept out from under him, washing his newly laid foundations away.

The man he was becoming won't survive this scenario intact.

All the little pieces of the new persona he's grafted onto himself since his release from prison- for Peter, for El, for the hope of a better life- will be ripped away in the coming hours. As the truth emerges, they will be taken back in disappointment and distrust by those who offered them to him in the first place. He expects the process will be both painful and bloody, because those grafts are more than skin deep; they have rooted and become a part of him.

Neal bears no illusions about what will happen next. Keller means to ruin him. Completely. The moves and countermoves have already been weighed and plotted out. Keller's not just three moves ahead, he's already finished the game, and is now going through the motions while guiding Neal's hands too. You don't rouse the full ire of the FBI (again), unless you're damned sure of the endgame, the prize and the escape route.

He considers El's chances for survival, and quickly comes up with a list of Keller's pros and cons for either outcome. Unfortunately, there are more reasons to…keep her than to let her go. Neal glances cautiously around him, seeking a tail; then pauses, caught by the sight of his own reflection in a shop window. For once he's looking at the substance of himself and not the styling; the masks are gone and he is frightened. El's life is hanging by the thinnest of threads. Keller means to destroy Peter too.

He breathes out slowly, refocusing, as Jones continues, _"You need to get here. Keller's got a head start, and God only knows what he's planning."_

"I'm on my way." Neal drops his groceries onto the sidewalk next to a homeless man and steps into the street, hand stretched out to hail a cab.

On the way to Peter's house, he finds that that he cannot sit still. Stress and foreboding are making his palms moist, his blood pound, and his head feel light. Now the recriminations rise up to surround him, pricking him with the wickedly sharp talons of hindsight and regret. Yes, he made his choice, but he'd waited too long, played both sides against the middle. And while he procrastinated and casually considered his options, another player, Keller, was marshalling his pieces and unrolling his plan.

Worse, Neal had been warned. Repeatedly.

Sara had seen the evidence, measured his deception, and abandoned him, certain that his path of not-so-bad intentions was leading him straight to Hell. _"Caffrey, please take care of yourself."_ She had always been more mature, more grounded then Kate, but he'd tried to sweep her along with him just the same and lost her in the process.

Peter had cautioned him, days ago. _"As hard as we've tried, versions of what happened to Adler's sub have leaked out."_ The subtext had been clear: _If you're involved in this, Neal, understand that the situation is spiraling out of your control. _Neal had felt somewhat uncomfortable, but sure that, given the shortening timeline until his and Mozzie's departure, they could manage any random rumors.

Mozzie had stood his ground against Keller and emerged physically unscathed, but clear on the implications of their conversation. _ "If he's sticking around, it means that he's planning to do something big. So we should split before that happens." "No, we worry about Keller after our Degas problem is handled...Forty-eight hours, Moz, let's make them count."_

Forty-eight hours wasted. Neal bashes his hand against the taxi door in frustration, causing the driver to look back at him in alarm. He raises his hand in dismissive apology and subsides.

Whatever awaits him, whatever happens next, he's earned it. He may flinch, but he will not turn away. None of the events that are about to unfold were inevitable.

The driver slows as they approach the Burke house- the area has been cordoned off. Flashing blue rollers from a dozen police cruisers illuminate the houses in monochrome light. He gets out a half block away, pays the driver and begins his own private perp walk past milling law officers and FBI command vehicles. He is known by enough agents that no one tries to stop him; they automatically classify him as a friendly.

Neal passes through Peter's front door and into a scene of nightmarish composition: agents everywhere, searching for evidence; Satchmo, head and tail down, being led away on a leash; spilled tomato sauce and the signs of a weak struggle; and worst of all, Peter's eyes.

"Peter…" Neal says, and stops, overcome.

"He took my wife." Peter's voice is shock roughened and bereft.

The words cut him deeply, and this is only the beginning. His mind flashes back to one last conversation.

"_A con is a rush. It's an addiction, and you have to hit rock bottom before you can change."_

"_When did you hit bottom?"_

"_I never said I did."_

This was it. In all the weeks since Adler's death, he'd been falling headlong, and he hadn't even realized. Now he'd hit rock bottom, and there was no bounce. Only truth, consequences, and the depth of the impact.

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A/N:

1. **Please, please, please take the time to review. **Reviews feed the writing machine!

2. To me, this whole season has seemed like one long fall from grace for a very conflicted Neal. For every step forward, he took another step back. And in trying to balance himself between Mozzie and Peter, he's lost his footing with both. It struck me how quickly things changed in just a few minutes during Countdown. Neal finally chooses a path, gives up both Mozzie and the treasure, and then has the rug pulled out from under him by Keller. I've a few ideas on how Neal could make good next season, but I can't see him getting out unscathed.

3. Dialogue is referenced directly and verbatim from the following season 3 episodes:

Sara: _"Caffrey, please take care of yourself."_ (Taking Account)

Peter:

"_As hard as we've tried, versions of what happened to Adler's sub have leaked out."_ (On the Fence)

Neal/Peter:

"_A con is a rush. It's an addiction, and you have to hit rock bottom before you can change."_

"_When did you hit bottom?"_

"_I never said I did." (Scott Free)_

"_Peter…."_

"_He took my wife." (Countdown)_

Mozzie/Neal: _"If he's sticking around, it means that he's planning to do something big. So we should split before that happens." "No, we worry about Keller after our Degas problem is handled...Forty-eight hours, Moz, let's make them count." _(Countdown)


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